Post by PartyyRockinn on Mar 24, 2013 22:01:07 GMT -5
ugh i havent talked about this to anyone in such a long time
But tonight was the final cotillion. Cotillion is this thing where all the middle schoolers dress up and we do dances like the salsa and stuff and it teaches you manners. It's pretty cool. But tonight was the last one.
So they do this thing with a father daughter dance. For those who don't know, my father isn't in my life. My mother made him leave when I was about 1 because he kept getting into trouble and doing bad things. He wasn't bad to us though. He loved me and mom.
Anyways, when it came time for the dance, I had to dance with my moms boyfriend, Thad. We were slow dancing and he was enjoying it but I was holding back tears because I looked around and saw all my friends with their fathers laughing, smiling, and everything. I started to shake.
So when it was over I went back and I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I joined my two friends and one was like "How was dancing with Thad?" And I just kinda nodded. I was really upset but I didn't want to show it. I could tell she knew something was wrong.
So a few minutes passed and they were talking about how it was with their fathers and all of a sudden I just couldn't breathe. I started to tear up and tears were just streaming down my face. They both looked at me in shock and I couldn't speak. So I pointed at the door and mouthed 'bathroom' to them. We walked and I tried so hard to avoid my mom because I don't want her to know I was crying over him.
So we get to the bathroom and I just broke down crying and I told them how my biggest fear was that I wouldn't have him at my wedding and how I want him so bad and it hurts to see other girls have their dads. I told them how I saw our other friend with her dad and he told her he loved her and I just cried. It hurts so bad. My mom refuses to let me contact him only because she doesn't like him. And it's just not fair. I didn't want to be there with Thad. I wanted my daddy.
So we went back into the ballroom and my mom wanted pictures. My eyes were red and wet and she stared at me, I know she saw that I had been crying. And I know she knows it was because of him. Because she didn't ask what was wrong.
Anyways, I haven't cried about him in a few months and tonight I just couldn't take it anymore. My friends tell me that he probably misses me and loves me. But if he did, wouldn't he at least try to contact me? He knows how old I am now.
I just want to hug him forever. I want to kiss him and I want to see his face. I want to tell him how much I love him. I want to do things with him like fathers and daughters do. I want him to yell at me and ground me like all the other dads do. I'm tired of all of these men. I don't want my sisters father or my step father, or my moms boyfriends, I want him.
I don't know what to do. All I have of him is this little shoe box with pictures and random receipts. Basically anything she has left of him is in that box. There's this letter where he talks about how beautiful I am... it makes me cry every time.
I have so many dreams about him. They hurt me so bad. I dream that I meet him and everything is perfect because he's there.
I'm in tears right now because I realize that there is no way he will ever see me grow up. The earliest I can meet him is 18 when I'm on my own. He's going to miss out on the best years of my life because of my mom. My stupid mom. She doesn't realize how much it hurts...
I don't care if he's a fucking pedophile or a damn priest. I want to meet him. I don't give two shits about what or where he is. I need to see him. I'm so scared he's going to pass away before I can.
It's just not fair. If your dad is around, tell him you love him. No matter how mean he is. It's better to have one than none.
But tonight was the final cotillion. Cotillion is this thing where all the middle schoolers dress up and we do dances like the salsa and stuff and it teaches you manners. It's pretty cool. But tonight was the last one.
So they do this thing with a father daughter dance. For those who don't know, my father isn't in my life. My mother made him leave when I was about 1 because he kept getting into trouble and doing bad things. He wasn't bad to us though. He loved me and mom.
Anyways, when it came time for the dance, I had to dance with my moms boyfriend, Thad. We were slow dancing and he was enjoying it but I was holding back tears because I looked around and saw all my friends with their fathers laughing, smiling, and everything. I started to shake.
So when it was over I went back and I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I joined my two friends and one was like "How was dancing with Thad?" And I just kinda nodded. I was really upset but I didn't want to show it. I could tell she knew something was wrong.
So a few minutes passed and they were talking about how it was with their fathers and all of a sudden I just couldn't breathe. I started to tear up and tears were just streaming down my face. They both looked at me in shock and I couldn't speak. So I pointed at the door and mouthed 'bathroom' to them. We walked and I tried so hard to avoid my mom because I don't want her to know I was crying over him.
So we get to the bathroom and I just broke down crying and I told them how my biggest fear was that I wouldn't have him at my wedding and how I want him so bad and it hurts to see other girls have their dads. I told them how I saw our other friend with her dad and he told her he loved her and I just cried. It hurts so bad. My mom refuses to let me contact him only because she doesn't like him. And it's just not fair. I didn't want to be there with Thad. I wanted my daddy.
So we went back into the ballroom and my mom wanted pictures. My eyes were red and wet and she stared at me, I know she saw that I had been crying. And I know she knows it was because of him. Because she didn't ask what was wrong.
Anyways, I haven't cried about him in a few months and tonight I just couldn't take it anymore. My friends tell me that he probably misses me and loves me. But if he did, wouldn't he at least try to contact me? He knows how old I am now.
I just want to hug him forever. I want to kiss him and I want to see his face. I want to tell him how much I love him. I want to do things with him like fathers and daughters do. I want him to yell at me and ground me like all the other dads do. I'm tired of all of these men. I don't want my sisters father or my step father, or my moms boyfriends, I want him.
I don't know what to do. All I have of him is this little shoe box with pictures and random receipts. Basically anything she has left of him is in that box. There's this letter where he talks about how beautiful I am... it makes me cry every time.
I have so many dreams about him. They hurt me so bad. I dream that I meet him and everything is perfect because he's there.
I'm in tears right now because I realize that there is no way he will ever see me grow up. The earliest I can meet him is 18 when I'm on my own. He's going to miss out on the best years of my life because of my mom. My stupid mom. She doesn't realize how much it hurts...
I don't care if he's a fucking pedophile or a damn priest. I want to meet him. I don't give two shits about what or where he is. I need to see him. I'm so scared he's going to pass away before I can.
It's just not fair. If your dad is around, tell him you love him. No matter how mean he is. It's better to have one than none.
